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What you young guys have to look forward to...

Grantshire

Legacy Registered User
Member
City
Richmond
State
VA
My job requires me to get a physical every year (over 50). An insane work schedule and desire not to be bit%$ed at for being a little overweight (about 25 pounds worth) and not getting enough exercise (so many past injuries the list of what I can do for exercise is very short) resulted in my missing the last three (that would be years). Anyway, went last week to face the music. After getting checked out the doctor was reviewing the results with me. Mostly it was good news until he said..."Gee, it looks like it's been 5 years since you've had a colonoscopy." :eek:

If you have not had this experience (or even if you have) no one descripes it better than the comedian Bob Barry:

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, Quote: 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it.:ZZZ: One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


I am going to hate October 23rd...:(
 

Truck

Scrambler Junkie
Lifetime Member
City
Manassas
State
Va
LMAO
Having gone through this this past spring....the above is a very good discription...

Truck
 

groundworks3

now THIS is a fire pit!!!
City
Terre Haute
State
IN
I'm only 31 and have already had the pleasure, due to "issues" and a strong family hx on both sides,by the way I have "dumping syndrom" w/ abs, so the prep for me was quite in humane, and I am not a baby by anymeans, by the end of the prep, I was wore out, it even made me puke, I was definatly "cleaned ou", and dehydrated, with a fire on the bunghole, fun times, can't wait for the next one :rolleyes:, at least coming from the medical side, I am fully aware of the meds they give you, you don't remember anything, but trust me they can ask you ANYTHING, and you will have NO memory of what happened, or said.

My friend is an RN, and while in training, was taking care of a guy who had this done, while in the room, getting the "insertion" carried on telling the doctor ow much it hurt, and he should at least buy him a drink first, wiggling all over the table, after the meds wore off, and the pt was back in his room, my friend asked him how the exam went to which the guy replied, "no problems at all, I didn't feel a thing", they don't put you,"under", only a med so you don't remember, that is what scares me, no telling what I said, by the way the radio thing is a ploy to see if you are in your "special place" they asked me 6 times what I liked to listen to, then I was stumbling to the car, that is all I remember.
 
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pgertz

SoCal Scramblers
City
Lake Forest
State
CA
Now, that's funny... then I was thinking...that's going to be me next year!!! :eek:
 

BOBCAT

Scrambler Junkie
Lifetime Member
SOA Member
City
Louisville
State
Ky
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!​

When I had mine they gave SUPER COLAN BLOW pills.

Don
 
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John N

Addicted....Ex-SOA VP
BENEFACTOR
Gold Member
Lifetime Member
SOA Member
City
Rockville
State
VA
Yep, been there. The worst part was drinking all that crap to "clean you out". Otherwise, I didn't remember a thing.
 

MrBeep

CJ-8 Vendor Supporter
Member
SOA Member
CJ-8.com Vendor
City
Dillsboro
State
IN
Just had my 3rd one. The first 2 I WOKE UP before they were done. I DO remember that. They made up for it with the last one though. I lost two and a half days with no memory at all.:o
 

CJeep

Scrambled
BENEFACTOR
Gold Member
Lifetime Member
City
Easton
State
CT
Just had one myself. Next week, I get to swallow a pill that is actually a camera.




At least I don't have to return the camera.
 

SCWorm

hillbilly born-n-bred
City
Fort Mill
State
sc
What..........no pics with this thread :D

Last time I did a physical, my doc told me next time we would need to start doing prostate checks. That was over 4 years ago, and I'm yet to schedule my next physical. But, I know I need to. hey, I even work in the healthcare industry.
 
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twmattox

Legacy Registered User
City
Arcadia
State
IN
Been there too. I remember a good chunk of the middle of mine. Nothing like becoming completely lucid at a moment of excruciating pain. One doctor at one end telling you to relax with another doctor at the other end yelling "get the needle get the needle". Ah, fun times...

The only thing I reminisce more about is my vasectomy...but that is another story.
 

groundworks3

now THIS is a fire pit!!!
City
Terre Haute
State
IN
my vasectomy wasn't that bad, just felt like being kicked really hard in the groin for about 10 min, heck I've had that pain before:rolleyes:
 

sanderson9

Scrambler Virgin
City
Coral Gables
State
FL
MRI instead of a probe?

I have heard that they are now doing MRI's, rather than the normal colonoscopy, and that they are just as medically effective. If/when I ever need another, i'm certainly going to ask about it.

Just to chime in, I remember waking up in the middle of mine, just about the time the doctor was checking my tonsils from the back. :eek:

Reminds me of Fletch - "You using the whole fist, doc?"
 

groundworks3

now THIS is a fire pit!!!
City
Terre Haute
State
IN
I work in Cat Scan, and they were going to do the whole "virtual colonoscopy" CT, problem is when we do one if there is ANYTHING even questionable they will do the real colonoscopy anyway, I would assume the same for MRI
 

SCWorm

hillbilly born-n-bred
City
Fort Mill
State
sc
opened this thread up again tonight to see what others had posted, and laughed when the Colonoscopy ads rolled across the banner ad at the top. how's that for timing? did someone rig it that way?
 
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