In need of support

[sobrbear]

Hi guys,

I have something to ask of you all here. In the past, with issues with my Mother and me having surgery, you all were great and sent many well wishes and prayers. Well, once again I am in need of an ear and word of wisdom.

Last week a long time friend was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer that has spread now to both of his lungs and spine and who knows where else. Today we went for consult with the Oncologist and while he is optimistic about treatment, I don't have that same feeling.

Here is where I need your help.

I have been freinds with JT (the one diagnosed) for 9 long years, and over the years we have had our differences and arguments as any good friendship does. But when he got the news two weeks ago, he just stopped doing for himself what he was able to do the day before he heard what he had.

Now, I am a patient man, consider myself a good friend and compassionate above what others would do for someone. But he is driving me nuts, with his short temper, snappy answers and demanding ways, and he hasn't even begun treatment to the point that he would need help walking. Basically, he just got lazy.

I will be there for my friend until the very end, and as much as he knows how to irritate me and make want to push him and his chair over the second floor of the hospital, I just need some words to remind me that it's not about me and help finding compassion for having to deal with an irritated friend on a limited amount of time. Also, maybe some understanding from others what they might have gone through and what more to expect as the days get shorter for him.

He is still smoking and his doctor says at this point its useless to stop. His family says he is not a fighter and after the first bout of chemo he will quit. So I don't have a lot of positive to work with, only my own. I have been thru friends dying of cancer before, but they all wanted to fight and live. JT has not made any effort, or indicated that he wants to fight and when the doctor today said he wanted to start him next week, JT asked if he could start in two weeks. See why its frustrating?

So, bear with me if I come here now and again and ask for a reminder to be kind, patient and understanding, as it would help to have words of encouragement. It all lies on me until the end as he has made me his legal power of attorney for all desicions both medical and personal.

Thanks for reading this far and I look forward to some great words or just an ear to bend on occassion so I don't take my frustrations out on him.

And if any of you guys smoke? Consider quitting soon, this is not an easy thing to watch.

 

[LOST]

sobrbear,
Not that it will help, but I lost a close friend last spring to cancer that exploded throughout his body. He felt a pain in his upper chest and had his mom take him to the doctor, his girlfriend was at work and could not take him. The doctor sent him by ambulance to the hospital where he collapsed and never regained consciousness and died 17 days later.

Now he had been living with demons his whole life. He had accidentally shot his brother in the head when we were kids. We tried so many times to help him. First he almost died from alcohol poisoning, and had to stop drinking, then his cocaine addiction almost took his life as well. So we had a life-long fight for many years.

We had smoked and partied together since the fourth grade, but I hadn’t seen him for 10 years because he could not get off the drugs and when my daughter was born I could not have that around my family. It was so difficult for me to not see a life long friend and to know the path that he had chosen.

Anyway, I had a strange feeling and tried to locate him to no avail. About two weeks later I read his obituary in the paper. He passed on at 43 just days after his birthday.

You have to remember that your friend knows this is the end and may be having a difficult time with the reality of things. I am not sure how I would take the news of that myself. I do realize that even after quitting smoking for some 16 years now I still cough up black stuff. I know that I have cut my life short and it peeves me off that I have cheated my daughter time with me when I go.

Occasionally you may need to knock him up the side of the head so-to-speak and tell him he needs to help you fight it if he wants more time and not cheat you or others.

Not knowing either of you I can’t say if that will work or not. I do know you have a hard fight and I wish you all the luck and my prayers as well. Just try to remember in those hard days that he is still your friend and the good times that you’ve shared. It is those things that we must hold onto for strength in getting through it. And if at all possible try to have more good times on the “good” days. Push him if you need to (not out the window) to have a good time if at all possible.

Sorry for the long reply, and hopefully you may find some of this helpful.

And I agree…to the smokers out there, please try to quit for your loved one sake.

Dean

 

[CBRogers]

I am kind of at a loss for words. But whatever you can do for him will be its own reward.

When folks get that sort of news sometimes they can really shut down, and hurt a lot of people. Just try to do what you can and help him out. Also rember that you will have to go on with your life. So you have to look out for yourself in the mean time. It can be painfull, but life will go on.

That is weather he chooses to fight or not. I am not suggesting throwing him under the bus now. But you do have to look out for yourself. All you can do is what the doctors are really doing. Try to provide support ao that he can help himself. If he chooses to be selfish and crawl up inside. That is his choice. You can let him know that he is giving up, but he probably already realises that inside. So whatever deamons he is fighting inside he has to deal with.

Stay strong. It is hard, but there is a lot to life still to be enjoyed.

Carl

 

[bigwalton]

You can't hold yourself resposible for his decision to fight/quit, you should do everything reasonable that you think is worth doing to help him, but don't let yourself think you are any more than an advisor.

My sister got caught up "helping" a friend through a very tough time and the friend walked all over her, used up every bit of energy my sister had and in the end did everything her way to the detriment of herself and her family.

It took my sister a long time to realize that she didn't fail, her FRIEND failed and she'd actually done a lot more than she should have to try and help.

In your case, the end result would be worse than my sister's friend if he chooses to quit on this fight, but the concept is the same and all the better if you realize that right now.

Personally, I'd smack them around a little and ask if this is the way they want to "go out". I for one, would hate myself if I realized it was my time and I made everyone around me miserable as a result. I'd take the time I had and make the most of it for the sake of the friends and family I would be leaving behind. Besides, with treatment and a good fight, who knows what will happen...

Of course your relationship with him will dictate how you ultimately handle it, but I'd give him a wake up call one way or the other.

Be strong, but remember you're just helping, not DOING here. That would be the best thing I could tell you.

 

[Duffman]

Deeply sorry to hear about the situation

I had lost my father to complications of colon cancer on Xmas day 2002, and my mother last Jan. of ovarian cancer. My father was a Naval academy graduate, taught flyinig at the Air Force Acedemy, and flew for 19 years. His greatest love was a being fantastic father of 5 of us kids. The reason I mention that is because he ended up in the hospital after being diagnosed and had a minor stroke. He felt he was falling apart physically, and was leaving my mother and us grown up kids soon.
For and man that was older and NEVER quit anything, or for that matter let us quit, we had no idea what we could collectively do. Failure was not an option.
If he is not admitted as a patient in a bed, I would suggest getting together some pictures/ video of some fantastic past times. Memory and visuals can really help realxing the mind. Use these to get his mind off of the current situation. Find some events that you can plan to go to in the near future. Use the events and the fact that spring is right around the corner This could help emphasize and show postive changes of things that important, fun and adventurous.
Not to sound cliche, but there have been a lot of people that have defied odds and put this awful disease to rest or remission and were mentors to us all. I might suggest looking into Lance Armstrongs book for some strategies. I have not read it, but I can only image that he must have the same thoughts your friend has (shock, desperation, self pitty, "why me"..) along wiht his closest friends and family. While he is unique as an athelete, his story is that of not only a champion of the tour de france, but that of will to beat the odds of what the doctors said couldn't be donw. I know how you feel when a loved one/good friend is diagnosed with cancer, it affects everyone.

I really hope and pray for the both of you. I have faith that your support and his will can help him whip this- your the truest of friends.

 

[sobrbear]

Words to live by

Guys,

Thanks so much for the replies. My heart is filled with respect and admiration for taking the time to respond to such a difficult topic.

I have called Jt's family and his brother and sister are coming to my house for three days this week. Collectively we will help him come to a decision for treatment and how he wants to live out the remaining days.

Besides dealing with him, I have my own business to run and it requires me to be on stage and smiling happy with my guests as I own and operate a Bed and Breakfast. So, there are times when I am emotionally exhausted inside, and smiling and being a gracious host on the outside. It's a hard time to keep them separate at times.

Having this forum and reading the responses has given me a bit more patience to deal with JT and the idea of gathering photos and such fora walk down memory lane is a great idea. Jt and I have taken many trips and hikes together, so putting together a small slide show of hte fun we haave had and that his life was not a failure might be something to do for a day and pick up the spirits.

All of you guys are brave men for sharing with me something so personal as the loss of a friend or family member, and I thank you for opening up and helping me find within myself, the true friend I wish to always be.

Have a great week and I will keep you posted.

Andy

 

[trust]

Andy,
I can't say how sorry I am to hear of your friends diagnosis, I'm afraid I can't offer much other than to say that you have to do what you think is right and if he can't/won't help himself - it isn't your failure. My father died younger than he should have because he wouldn't quit drinking, it cost him everything and still he wouldn't quit. My son very nearly let drugs take him in his early 20s, Prison has seemingly opened his eyes. In both cases, the family and friends did everything we could, we supported and we cajoled, we yelled, we did everything we thought might encourage them to change but weren't able to. Thankfully my son did wake up in time.

Your friend has to decide his life is important to him, to you, to his friends, family, etc. You can show him it is to you, it's up to him to see it.

Good luck my friend, please, do take care of yourself through this because you are too empathetic a soul to not have it affect you, especially if he does just give up. Look into support groups for yourself and take a day off when you can. Use your support groups to protect yourself.

Prayers are a given.

tr

 

[dadscj8]

Andy, sorry to hear about your friend, i lost both my folks to cancer, so i go in for annual ck ups.

I agree with a lot of the things people are saying so far and i think it's good that you are getting his family together to help make these decisions. It sounds like you are on the right track.

I'll be praying for JT and for you also during this difficult time. Please keep me posted. Phil

 

[daddyo]

You are a good soul, to be there for him.

Hang in there.

My prayers are with you and your friend.

Andrew

 

[mtruckstuff]

It must be absolutely terrifying to know that your life will end early. When I was diagnosed with diabetes about 4 years ago, it scared the crap out of me, even though my problem is relatively benign with treatment. Regardless, I knew at that point that my life would probably be a lot shorter than I had planned.

It sounds as if your friend is really scared. I know I would be.

You didn't mention whether your friend was a churchgoer. If so, perhaps his pastor/minister/rabbi/priest can help. My personal relationship with our Savior has gotten me through many trying times, and He'll be right there whenever I need him. I don't want to come across as some weird Bible-thumper, but there's a great deal of comfort in God's Word. In any case, your friend will be in my personal prayers.

Paul

 

[sobrbear]

the treatment begins

Well, today begins an undetermined amount of treatments for JT's lung cancer. After a visit with the Oncologist and another CT scan, it has been discovered that he has severe lung cancer and that both lungs are affected. Thankfully it has not spread to his brain, but he is having more and more difficulty with his legs and now both legs hurt constantly.

Two of his sibling came last week and I hosted them, and his final brother arrives tomorrow (Wed) for three days. It was good for JT to have family, but I feel that once his brother goes home, he may not fight as hard.

I have let JT know that whatever he decides for treatment is his decision and I would repsect whatever he chose. So at this point its a guessing game as to whether he will follow thru with the remaining treatments. His patience is not as strong as others, so it will be interesting to see how he is when he gets done today after going 10 hours without a cigarette.

I want to thank you guys for the words of encouragment and shared stories. I have shared them with JT's sister and she says she is grateful I have this forum to come to for support.

Paul, he is not religious and trying to get him to talk is not an easy task, but I will mention it to him about talking to a pastor or someone related to a church here. He just might go for it. When it comes down to evaluating our lives, most people find talking to a pastor, or preist helps them find peace within themselves.

So, thats it for now. I am off to nap as I have been at the hospital with him everyday this week and have four more to go for the first treatment.

Thanks again!

Andy

 

[mtruckstuff]

Good Luck to both of you, Andy, and God Bless. Devoted friends like you are few and far between. JT is a lucky guy to have you around.
Paul